Who Gets the Last Word?

We have all lost loved ones. It is part of life, and the inevitability of death. Gathering with friends and family and sharing grief is hard, and liberating at the same time.

Memorials are both depressing and uplifting, because they signal the end of someone's life journey, but they also highlight some of the most important and fulfilling parts of our own lives, the relationships we have with each other.

As we contemplate the loss of a loved one, we muse about their peculiar personality traits, their strengths, their idiosyncrasies and their human frailties. So we shed tears of sorrow simultaneously with tears of laughter. That is why I say we come away with some heartbreak and some hope. 

Recently I went to the memorial of a lifelong friend. A man who had achieved great financial, professional and personal success. But to my surprise only a handful of his business associates showed up. And only one spoke about their relationship, and he focused only on how my friend had helped him find God. Not that that was a bad thing, but why did his professional "friends" avoid saying goodbye? 

The  family was all there, and his son brought us all to tears describing how his dad had inspired him, shared his time with him, and led by example. His wife and daughter shared personal stories, and as a lifelong friend I contributed some childhood insights. But the obvious absence of his career-long associates left me wondering, why didn't they care enough to pay tribute to a partner that worked alongside them for three decades?

There was clearly something missing. Afterward we all shared food and drinks and reminisced, but I just couldn't stop wondering why this man had so few serious friends to get up and emote over their grief?

Driving home, I gave it some thought...Have you ever contemplated how your own memorial will sound? It may be the hardest thing for all of us to face: Knowing the memorial you just attended will someday feature you.

What will it look and sound like?

It is interesting to me how things are often said at memorials that were never said before. Why do we wait till after someone dies to express our love and affection? Why do we lavish the deceased with praise only when they aren't around to hear it? 

My point is that maybe we should all write our own memorial service dedication. It would be an exercise in introspection for sure, and it would also serve to remove the burden from our loved ones to have to bare their souls, and to say things about us that they never enunciated to our face. Maybe that is why so many people just don't show up at all. They don't want to face the music...

When I got home I did some research and sure enough there are several websites that "help" people write their own memorial, or create their own funeral service. The idea is to create accurate histories, timelines and to feature certain hallmarks that others might miss. 

Sounds reasonable, but I wonder if the survivors would really be willing to just stand by and watch an exercise in self admiration. I don't think so. The last word is hard enough to get in life, but impossible afterwards.


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